“New Floors, Who Dis?” – Adventures in Adulting with Planks and Puns

You know you’ve hit peak adulthood when the highlight of your week isn’t bottomless brunch or skydiving—it’s new flooring. That’s right, folks. Move over roller coasters and spicy margaritas. We’ve got freshly installed laminate and it is glorious.

Let me take you on a journey—a journey that started with a mysterious squeak and ended with a level of joy typically reserved for winning the lottery or finding fries at the bottom of the takeout bag.

Step 1: The Discovery

It began innocently enough. One day I was walking across the living room and thought, “Is the floor… squishier than normal?” After convincing myself the house wasn’t sinking into a pit of despair (or quicksand), I did what any responsible homeowner would do: Googled “why does my floor feel like it’s judging me?”

Turns out, my old floor had officially given up. It was time to say goodbye to that sad, stained carpet and hello to something that didn’t look like it had survived a toddler birthday party from 1997.

Step 2: The Selection Process

Choosing new flooring is a lot like online dating: overwhelming, full of catfishing photos, and somehow always more expensive than you expect. “Do you want waterproof? Scratch-resistant? Pet-friendly? Kid-proof? Ghost-repellent?” I just wanted something that wouldn’t look like it had been in a bar fight.

After a few trips to the flooring store (where I questioned every life decision I’d ever made), I found the one: a luxury vinyl plank that whispered sweet nothings like “I’ll make your house look Pinterest-worthy” and “you don’t have to vacuum me every 6 hours.”

Step 3: Installation Nation

Now, if you’ve never had your floors redone, here’s what you need to know: Your furniture will temporarily live wherever it pleases. Want to sit on your couch? Too bad—it’s now in the bathtub.

And while the crew was amazing, there is nothing more humbling than watching professionals do something in 15 minutes that would have taken me 6 hours, 3 YouTube videos, and a trip to urgent care.

Step 4: The Reveal

Let me tell you—HGTV has nothing on the feeling of seeing your brand new floors for the first time. I may have gasped. I may have cried. I definitely slid across the living room in socks like Tom Cruise in Risky Business. Several times.

The room looked bigger. Cleaner. Classier. I felt like I should start drinking espresso and referring to my dog as my “canine companion.”

Final Thoughts

If you’re on the fence about getting new floors, do it. It’s cheaper than therapy, and unlike your ex, these planks will actually support you.

Plus, there’s no better feeling than having guests walk in and say, “Wow! These floors are gorgeous!” and responding, “Oh these old things? Just a little something I had installed because I’m a fully functioning adult now.”

Next up: matching baseboards and possibly a backsplash that says “I have my life together,” even if I still eat cereal for dinner.